Final

Self Deprecation

Family, friends, and strangers always find a way to get on all of my one hundred billion nerves. Somehow, they all find a way to grind my gears. Anywhere from tapping their pencil repeatedly on a table, to kicking my seat on an airplane will allow you to annoy me to my breaking point. I personally think I am a generally calm person, but I get annoyed very easily. Even though I get annoyed easily, I tend to hold in my fury and, lucky for you, I won’t unleash my unbearable wrath. Some people might say I lose it in certain occasions, and that might sometimes be true, but I can guarantee you in this situation, I did not over react. My reaction was quite rational. I just find it preposterous how some people can be so narrow minded and rude.

           Anyways, it was just like any ordinary day this summer. I awoke to rays of sunshine coming in through the shades in my room. It was around eleven in the morning and, as usual, I went into my living room and I started watching TV. As I was watching TV, actually I was on my phone totally oblivious to the TV, but I remembered The Amazing Spiderman 2 came out on DVD today. I was ecstatic, overjoyed, and thrilled all at the same time. Those words can’t even begin to explain how happy I actually was. I loved that movie and was a devoted fan, also Andrew Garfield is easy on the eyes. Of course, I very kindly asked my mom to get it. I was almost certain she would say yes because before it came out she said I could get it. I went with the safe approach, puppy dog eyes, a big smile, and a sweet sounding question. I said something like, mother darling, would you be oh so kind and allow me to get Spiderman on DVD? To my dismay, she used they inevitable, typical mom remark like, maybe next week, wait until Christmas, or worst of all, didn’t you already see it in the movie theaters? This response was like nails on a chalkboard to me. Wait until Christmas? Christmas is basically six months away! In six months I will be obsessing over a new movie or show. The last response was echoing in my head like it was taunting me, didn’t you just see it in the movie theaters? It drove me up a wall when she said this because you cannot only see a movie once to experience the irrepressible hunk of emotions and vibes. You cannot simultaneously be balling your eyes out and watch the movie. Also, even if you don’t cry during movies, it is almost impossible to avoid a vulnerable, hormonal, teenage girl at the movies, so you are bound to miss at least one scene. The chances of this not happening to you are close to none. Another point, if you did not cancel Netflix, we would also not have this problem. I would not have to go through the pain of figuring out the plugs for the DVD player, and would save money on gas because we would not have to go out in the car to buy the DVD. Out of all the bad things you could do to a teenage girl, you do not cancel Netflix in the middle of a good TV series. Never.

           Consequently, as a result of this tragic and depressing moment, I was, in lighter terms, down in the dumps. This horrific situation made me so irritated because my mother did not see this as a big deal! This flabbergasted me because how could you not see this as a big deal? I practically memorized the first movie, and no, I’m not a lunatic, but it would only be fair to memorize the second movie too, right? Well, my mom made the intellectual conclusion that I didn’t need the second movie on DVD and that was final. My feeble attempt to convince her to buy it for me was to sit on the kitchen floor for as long as physically possible. This had no effect on my mom what so ever. It only made her madder because apparently I was being immature and was acting like a child. I was agitated to the point that I wanted to strangle everyone I saw. In the end, however, I was triumph it. I had the brilliant idea of asking my dad.

           Additionally, it is unmistakable that I can get annoyed very easily by the little things, like when people leave empty food boxes in the pantry. Is it really that big of a burden to throw it in the trash or recycle? I see a box of my favorite Pop Tarts and they are empty. That creates an empty, Pop Tart Less hole in my heart. Although that irritates me a lot, I found it horrifying to learn that I can actually annoy myself. I get irked when I procrastinate, I practically procrastinate twenty four seven. How much I put off my work is pathetic and a waste of time. The inner fight I have against myself about procrastination is like a World War III. In fact, I am procrastinating writing and revising this essay right at this very moment! Wow, shocker! The dilly-dallying began with TV, as usual. I began with watching Twelve Years a Slave. Since this movie was so depressing, I wanted to make sure I did not spew my sad emotions into my work. Then I heard a growling coming from my stomach that was screaming at me, I need food. I could not conceal the fact that I was extremely hungry anymore and I needed a snack. And when I begin snacking, that monster does not stop. So I got a snack fit for a king which, obviously, took a significant amount of time to eat. But wait, now I need music to get my creative juices flowing so I got my headphone and phone. Finally, I was out of lame excuses to not write my story. It was time to sit down and conquer this writing assignment, but then I thought it would just be more efficient to finish it tomorrow.

Angry Letter

Dear Neighbors,

          You might want to sit down for this, I am about to let my opinions fly free. It has come to my attention that you are extremely obscene and selfish. There have been multiple occasions when you have been unquestionably disrespectful to my family and me. I remember these certain occasions like they are the back of my hand. The first incident was about two winters ago during a brutal snowstorm. The wind was howling, and the snow was blowing everywhere. A tree fell down, (which, I might add, happens all the time, it’s this thing called gravity) and it just happens that it fell on your fence. The fence that you put up because you did not want to see any happy children frolicking about my front yard. Your automatic response: let’s sue. No, how about you do not sue, that would be a tremendous idea! Maybe instead of suing you could talk this out like mature adults. Did you sue because you thought that my parents would be inconsiderable and unbearable? Well, here’s the shocker, you are the inconsiderable and unbearable people in this neighborhood. That was just ridiculous, but I’m not done yet. After that, another offense of you aggravating us was the summer of 2013. As we live on the golf course, ever since my parents bought our house, we have had a pathway to this golf course. It was late at night and my friends and I were going to go adventure, and maybe play a little man hunt, like all children do. As the stereotypical, elderly neighbors (except you aren’t elderly, just cranky), you are the barricade on our street of fun. You yelled at us saying something like, That is our property! Get away from there! First off, that is not even your property, that is No Man’s Land. Second off, we were as quiet as a mouse, which is one point of the game. That same summer, you went over the top with being obnoxious. There was a large group of teenagers hanging out in the field across from your house. It is called the common area, if you even care.  I guess you thought that they were being quite loud, (which they were not) and decided to call the cops. You called the cops. Seriously, you called the cops? Were they really disturbing you that much? Well, I guess so because you called the cops. I was also sitting in my house, not being disturbed at all, so either you have incredible hearing or are incredible cranky. I never got over that. After all of this trouble you caused us, you decided to let us have a break from your long reign of terror. Now let’s flash forward through a peaceful year or so. This was probably the happiest moment of your life! You were having a baby! WOOHOO! Well no, not woohoo. You know why? I am not woohooing because the next time you talked to us, or even looked at us, was to ask us for baby gifts. Really? After all this time of bickering and being snobby you expect us to grant you the privilege of having a gift from us? No, sorry it’s not happening. You should have seen this coming with your actions. You wished this upon yourself and should probably reevaluate yourselves. I wish good luck to that child. I hope you have a nice childhood. The only good thing that has come out of this neighbor-ship, is that we never see you. Walking home from school, an empty house. Getting the mail, an empty house. Playing outside, an empty house. Every time, an empty house. Your house is almost is empty as your heart.

With no love,

Colleen

Fan Fiction

          

 From being continuously annoyed by his neighbors, this cephalopod was put in an inescapable bad mood. Running around Squidward’s front yard all day, caused Squidward to become irritated to the point where he could no longer stand the sound of anyone's voice.

“Would you infernal brains just SHUT UP,” complained Squidward.

Day after day, all Squidward wanted was to live far, far away from Spongebob and Patrick. He wishes to live fancily and to be able to peacefully work on his art and music. He wanted people to understand him, he wanted to be with people just like him. Unfortunately, that is not possible with Spongebob and Patrick around.

“Hahahahaha,” echoed Spongebob and Patrick.

Miffed and peeved, Squidward stormed outside to show his disrespectful neighbors a piece of his mind. Knowing how immature Patrick and Spongebob are, Squidward knew it would never work. Spongebob and Patrick did not know when Squidward was joking. They are so childish and innocent that they thought everyone loves them and is kind. Squidward hoped that one day they would understand that he actually could not stand their presence.

After marching outside, Squidward admitted, “being dead, or anything else, would be better than having to listen to you two all day.”

“Sorry Squidward, we were just playing around,” explained Spongebob.

‘“Can I have everybody’s attention… I have to use the bathroom,” babbled Patrick.

An irritable cephalopod is not a happy cephalopod. After a long argument, or just Squidward yelling and then Spongebob and Patrick not comprehending his anger, nothing was resolved. Squidward angrily stormed back inside only to find a old looking lamp. He was shocked to find such beautiful artwork in his house. The water began to swirl. Everything around him was lifting into the water. Everything went black.

Confused and scared, Squidward gained consciousness. He was not sure how much time has passed, or where he was. After opening his eyes, Squidward realized he was in a pineapple. Who is the only person he knows near him to live in a pineapple? Spongebob. Just the thought of being in the dwelling of this fiend made Squidward want to puke. His immediate reaction: Get up and get out.

Squidward heard someone behind him with a high pitched squeaky voice giggle, “Hey Squiddy!” Terrified that he might see porous Spongebob, Squidward turned his head to only see another cephalopod. He might as well have been looking in a mirror, but he wasn't looking in a mirror, he was looking at himself. He was looking at his own body. He looked down. He saw a square and yellow body. Squidward and Spongebob had switched bodies.

“AHHHH,” roared Squidward as he raced outside.

“This is so exciting! Me and Squidward switched bodies,” explained Spongebob to Patrick

“You’re in Squidward’s body? No wonder you smell bad,” claimed Patrick.

“This is the worst day of my life,” revealed Squidward.

“ Cheer up, Squidward! It could be worse!”

“Ya, you could be bald, or have a big nose,” explained Patrick

“Don’t you have somewhere else to be stupid Patrick,” asked Squidward.

“Not until four,” answered Patrick.

Contemplating what to do, Squidward basically had a panic attack. If he could not stand being around his neighbors, how could he be inside his body? They needed to come up with a way for them to switch back. Why did this happen? How could they switch back? Squidward needed to be switched back so he could be ready for his clarinet recital at eight. It was currently four. They had four hours to switch back. Squidward thought that if they were fighting when the switch happened, they needed to learn to cope with their differences and learn to respect each other to switch back.   

“I find it really disrespectful when you ruin my yard, when you both have your own yards to ruin,” admitted Squidward.

“I love playing in your yard though, its like the gateway to your soul,” replied Spongebob.

“You’re already in my body, what other gateway to my soul do you need,” asked Squidward, “ok are we switched back yet?”

“Maybe we need to get to know each other better,” suggested Spongebob, “I love working at the krusty krab and I am a master at kara-tay,” said Spongebob as he did a karate chop.

“I like when you don’t bother me,” barked Squidward, “this is not working.”

“We’re not doing so well, Patrick. We need a new approach, a new tactic,” advised Spongebob and he made a fist.

“Umm, I got it. Let’s get naked,” suggested Patrick.

“Hey Patrick, you just blow in from stupid town?” asked Squidward sarcastically.

“Why don’t we go ask Sandy?” suggested Spongebob.

“No you can’t leave me alone,” demanded Patrick.

“What do you normally do when I’m gone?” asked Spongebob.

“Wait for you to get home,” admitted Patrick. Spongebob and Patrick burst into tears for one reason or another,as they usually do. It seemed that Squidward and Spongebob would not be freed anytime soon.

An eternity later

“Hey Patrick, you know what’s funnier that 24? 25,” said Spongebob. Spongebob and Patrick burst into laughter.

“Can I be excused for the rest of my life?” asked Squidward.

Spongebob suggested, “Why don’t I just perform at your clarinet concert?” The time was reaching eight and they had no other option. They had tried everything and nothing has worked. Spongebob was going to perform as Squidward, at his clarinet concert.

They were on the way to the theater. Squidward was in tears because this had been his dream, he wanted to prove to Squilliam, his enemy, that he could too play clarinet. As it turns out, Spongebob was a clarinet prodigy. He was extremely talented, but Squidward would not admit that.

“That was ok Spongebob, at least you totally didn’t ruin my career,” said Squidward. The water swirled and both Squidward and Spongebob were lifted up into the air. Both of them blacked out. They were laying on the sand outside of the theater. When they woke up, Squidward was the shape of a star.

Modest Proposal

The Land of the Free. Free from all, but not judgement. Home of the Brave. The brave are getting bigger and bigger. Our Lady Liberty is growing wider and wider. Our houses and clothes are getting bigger and bigger. The populations of the United States has become extremely lazy. If you do not have to do something, why should you have to? The amount of obese people is rapidly increasing and we need to stop this. If this continues, we will end up like the people on Wall-E. Fat and helpless. It is made apparent by Michelle Obama that we need to find a way to fix this problem. She has gone from holding conventions, to banning chocolate milk. Everyone has become aware of this problem. They try to fix the problem at the source: the food. The only problem is the food companies are too arrogant to see what is wrong with all of their products. The food companies are responsible for deaths year round. Death by chocolate. But what they do not know is that the food is not the problem. The problem is the people who can not control the lifestyles they have become accustomed to. By working together, we can fix this. The USA, land of the obese, home of the overweight.

32% of the United States population that is obese and that number is increasing rapidly. This is merely choice. People do not practice a healthy behaviors, these behaviors and habits are then passed down onto their children and grandchildren. 61% of overweight 5-10 year olds are at a risk for heart disease. This is affecting the economics in our country and in typical households. Hospital bills, medical pills, and food bills are piling up on average Americans. Obesity can also increase the risk of cancer and strokes. Children who are obese will suffer from problems at school. Self esteem and confidence issues will start to brew inside them and will never stop. Obesity can not only be seen physically, but also mentally. If don’t help them soon, there will be no stopping them from continuing their ways.

Now, I propose my solution. Citizens who are obese need to be helped. They can not stop their ways on their own. The food they eat has become like a drug, they are practically unstoppable. We will feed them the motivation to fix their problem. The proper balance of dieting and exercising can fix their problem, but they do not have the willpower to do that on their own. If we gather all the obese citizens in a helpful camp, one for each region of our country, we can help them. We will recreate their lifestyle. Everyday, each person that needs help with weight, will receive one apple. In that apple is a special chemical to literally burn the fat off of their bodies. They will be allowed to eat only this apple. After a long period of time, all of the fat will burn off of the bodies, leaving perfectly formed citizens.

As a result of this newly formed diet, we can make use of the new abundance of food feeding it to the homeless. There will no longer be children dying of hunger. In the end, the government and families benefiting from this program will form a new income of money due to the lack of medical and food bills. This will improve our country’s image and economy. With this benefit, there may seem like there has to be a downside, but there is not. This apple will provide all necessary nutritional value. It also may seem like the people being helped are not being fed enough and will starve, but that is so false. The need for food they have created in their past life will be destroyed by the motivation to get out of this facility.

If the government creates this program, the economy will improve greatly and the rate of death by hunger will decrease. The proper balance of diet and exercise would take too much effort, motivation, and time. No one would be able to control themselves around food. This program will create a fast way for obese people to lose weight, improve their health, and simply live a better life.